COPYRIGHT Poem-a-Day Collection by Knopf. Compilation copyright 2009 by Knopf. All Rights Reserved. Sharing not permitted.
A Good List (Homage to Lorenz Hart)
By Brad Leithauser
Some nights, can't sleep, I draw up a list, Of everything I've never done wrong. To look at me now, you might insist My list could hardly be long, But I've stolen no gnomes from my neighbor's yard, Nor struck his dog, backing out my car. Never ate my way up and down the Loire On a stranger's credit card.
I've never given a cop the slip, Stuffed stiffs in a gravel quarry, Or silenced Cub Scouts on a first camping trip With an unspeakable ghost story. Never lifted a vase from a museum foyer, Or rifled a Turkish tourist's backpack. Never cheated at golf. Or slipped out a blackjack And flattened a patent lawyer.
I never forged a lottery ticket, Took three on a two-for-one pass, Or, as a child, toasted a cricket With a magnifying glass. I never said "air" to mean "err," or obstructed Justice, or defrauded a securities firm. Never mulcted—so far as I understand the term. Or unjustly usufructed.
I never swindled a widow of all her stuff By means of a false deed and title Or stood up and shouted, My God, that's enough! At a nephew's piano recital. Never practiced arson, even as a prank, Brightened church-suppers with off-color jokes, Concocted an archeological hoax— Or dumped bleach in a goldfish tank.
Never smoked opium. Or smuggled gold Across the Panamanian Isthmus. Never hauled back and knocked a rival out cold, Or missed a family Christmas. Never borrowed a book I intended to keep. ... My list, once started, continues to grow, Which is all for the good, but just goes to show It's the good who do not sleep.
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